March 1

March 1st is the date for my mom's triple by-pass surgery. I am scared, so is she. We have gone over "things"; like where she wants to be baried, who she wants to read at her funeral, what type of funeral she wants, and what she wants to give to people. We went over her living will, what she wants and doesn't want if things don't go "perfectly". What is unsettling is that I have things that I want to tell her, but I don't want it to sound like goodbye. If she doesn't pull through this surgery I don't want there to be things left unsaid. But how do I go about saying them without sounding negative? I don't want my mom, for one second, to think that I don't believe she will come through the surgery. It's there though, the thought that she might not make it. It's there in the silence, when our eyes meet and the room gets quiet, when we smile at each other afraid to say it out loud. I know she is scared, scared s**tless as she puts it. I don't know how to calm her fears, I don't know what to say, so I just kiss her forehead and tell her I love her. The idea of losing my mom is not a new feeling. I have faced this at least twice in my life already, and it is the worst feeling in the world. This time we are "prepared" whatever that means. We know that the surgery is risky for a healthy person, let alone someone with diabetes and kidney failure. I am trying very hard to stay positive, but at the same time, I do not want to be naive. I have said this before and I'll say it again, I am not ready to lose my mom.